21

minus fifteen, the number of colleges i got rejected from.

blackjack. winner winner chicken dinner.

the number of things on my mind.

20

Show me reality
For I was blinded this long
By the falsehood of your beauty
Sing to me
The bittersweet melody of our demise
And I will sing along
Because your voice will make it
Sound like a lullaby
Wrap your cold words around me
Wrought with their superficial warmth
Spewing like boiling water
Scalding to the touch
Give me the sense of belonging
To something that isn’t there
So I can have something to cling to
And sleep in my peace
While our world comes crashing down,
Like it will.
Give me irony, convoluted.
My naivety is thirsty to acquiesce

19

i am nothing more, than what you give me credit for. perfection one moment. damnation the next. my existence, is nothing more than the fictional set of parameters you enforce on it every minute of every day, to suit your ever changing whims and fantasies.

and thus it is how i spend my days, being tossed around in the storm of your guilty conscience.

for i am only what you give me credit for. and lately, there hasn’t been anything.

Behind Every Man.

Play i wrote for a friend over a period of 24 hours. exploring homosexuality in the fashion industry.

Sins of The Flesh

“He decided to live his life shallow, passion is love for material. And it’s gone…”

(Stage lights up enough to make out a man and a woman miming an animated conversation. The girl Natasha is angry and is making it rather obvious in her gestures. The guy Adnan is trying to calm her down and explain something, but keeps getting cut short. This mime continues for about 10 seconds, stage lights up fully and we begin)

(Natasha’s character is one that is very pompous and arrogant in stature. She doesn’t love Adnan as much as she loves what he does for her, but still feels neglected and angry when he falls short. This is one of the few – pun intended – occasions she expects something out of him and he falls short…again. So she lets her frustration, and in her manner of talking one should be able to tell she’s more than just angry at him for not fulfilling her material needs, she’s genuinely – as rare as that may be – hurt. In a nutshell, Natasha is the modern day bitch. The only catch being, she’s still got a bit of humanity left in her)

(Adnan manages to make up for his lack of finances by his excess of excuses. He’s not from as wealthy a family as Natasha, but somehow has managed to hide that fact from her rather well. On a more subtle level, Adnan genuinely cares about Natasha, despite knowing he’s never going to get the same in return. In trying to cover up for his poor status while simultaneously proving he still loves her, Adnan’s dialogue delivery needs to be such that a person can’t distinguish between when he’s lying – if he does – and when he’s telling the truth. To make a testament of love is the goal that drives him to do what he does later on in life.)

Natasha: What the hell is the matter with you?! It’s my freaking birthday and YOU (pointing very accusingly)..YOU of all people have got me nothing..AGAIN!..What the hell are you good for?!

Adnan: Oh come on honey…I’m here! We’re together! What more could you ask for…

Natasha(cutting bluntly short, and continuing in an obviously fake,loving voice): Oh I don’t know, we could start with the tennis bracelet we saw the other day at Chotani’s . you know how much I loved that didn’t you Sug-ar (emphasis meant to intimidate, Adnan get’s the message loud and clear, his face sinks.Natasha goes on)  or what about that dinner at Okra you promised me just LAST WEEK! !! of course if that doesn’t ring any bells there’s…

Adnan: but jaaaann (the way we make it singsong) you know I never denied you that tennis bracelet. Miljayega tumko, just be a little patient (on which Natasha can snort in a manner that suggests she’s heard that excuse before) and as far as that dinner at Okra goes, you know how rough work’s been the past few days, I.. I just don’t seem to be getting the time. But I made you a promise (deliver’s next line with great resolve) and a promise I shall keep.

Natasha: haven’t been getting time from work eh? With a pathetic job like yours I’m surprised you even have something to do. Ofcourse at the end of the day all you men are the same. I bet you spend more time looking at porn. That’s what keeps you in the office late.

Adnan: now you’re just getting mean..come on, it’s your birthday, can we please not have this fight? Come (moving towards her slowly, he doesn’t want to ruffle any more feathers and at this point in time thinks she’s let her guard down just enough for him to close the deal and save himself) let’s do something together shall we? I’ll fix up something for us and we’ll have dinner right here, then we’ll go out for dessert. (places hand on shoulder, tries to move in) just the two of us.

Natasha (Immediately reacts and pushes him away and screams in pure anger and hate): THE HELL WE ARE!! YOU CHEAP BASTARD, YOU THINK YOU CAN COME UP TO ME JUST LIKE THAT AND THINK WE’RE ALL OKAY CUZ YOU CAN MAKE UP A BUNCH OF EXCUSES…THAT’S ALL I’M GETTING OUT OF YOU RIGHT NOW…IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN. I’ve had it.. I’m out of here (gathering her stuff, Adnan tries real hard to stop her..starts an incoherent babble where the only words you can actually make sense are ‘baby’ , ‘honey’ and ‘sugar’ and the likes. Natasha continues resisting) NO…NO!! GET AWAY FROM ME.. GO ROT IN A DIRTY CORNER YOU MORON.

(Natasha walks briskly off stage, Adnan keeps following her till the door calling her name and begging her to stay back.he does this thrice, then get’s frustrated, bangs the door shut and walks angrily around the empty stage. He needs to show somehow that this isn’t the first argument they’ve had, yet he’s nervous that it may be the last. His cell phone rings, Adnan checks the Caller ID, sighs in relief and his expression changes from anger to something like “thank god it’s this person.” He answers.)

Adnan: Sami!!…man you have no idea how glad I am you called right now. Man there’s a lot of shit going on right now… and I really need some help. You free?…ahan… good hai I’ll meet you in about a half hour. Yeah man it’s her again… no I’m not going to dump…acha forget it, I’ll see you in a bit. Later.

(Adnan get’s up and walks off stage. Lights fade out. Curtain closes.)

End scene

Scene 2

(scene opens back at Adnan’s house. He is leaning against the couch and is smoking a cigarette. His best friend from childhood Sami, is sitting on the couch on the opposite end, also smoking a cigarette. Adnan has his head hung low and Sami’s explaining something to him)

Sami: oh yaar, how long are you going to keep this charade up?!… she knows you’re not half as rich as you cut yourself out to be… she even taunts you on that!!… you’re always running out of money trying to buy her this or that…you can’t afford to keep her man… and I mean that literally.. seems the only thing she wants you for is cuz you make good eye candy.

Adnan: that’s what you think naa, cuz you don’t know her..She’s a good person. I believe in her…despite everything. But lately things’ve been hella tough… work isn’t going too well… and you know how these banking jobs suck the life out of you na?… I really need something else to help me out…

Sami: meh, I still say dump her.

Adnan: I’m not you are i?

Sami (about to start very angrily on that, suddenly sighs and loosens up):…yeah I guess you’re not… so how are you planning on making this work eh?…she’s really demanding. We both know that.

Adnan: you should get a job stating the obvious…guess I gotta find another job to make it work…something that doesn’t need a lotta effort too… not much left in me after the bank.

Sami (takes a long pause, and a long smoke before answering):….say… why not make the part of you she loves most useful?…(continuing on Adnan’s confused expression)… you geni-ass.. the eye-candy bit…you’ve got the looks, I’ve got the contacts…ever considered modeling?

Adnan: (bursts out laughing)…are you…are you crazy?!… I told you what I think about your job man…bunch of pansies…

Sami: I’m not you are i?…seriously, think about it. You don’t have to do much. Just look pretty, and the pay isn’t that bad either…I’m making 5 digits a month..bigger digits than you too…and you can see how ‘busy’ I am…what do you say?… I could ask this guy I know right now (starts to punch keys on his cell phone, Adnan doesn’t say anything..but his interest has been attracted enough by the salary prospects to exude in his behaviour by now. Sami talks after a few seconds, an immediate transition should be noticed from intellectual to bubbly tone.) heyyyy tony!… how’re you doing jaan?….hahaha…you know me yaar… been really busy with your designer friend…he really works me like a horse sometimes…but then who doesn’t, right hon?…acha choro, I’ve got this friend of mine…killer looks…he seemed interested posing for a few snaps with you..you what?…are you serious?!?…really?…you’ll do that?!…oh jaan you’re amazing! I love you!… I’ll let him know right away. (hangs up) good news for you m’boy… he says he’s looking out for a fresh face to put up on the map these days…and because I know him on such a…personal level, he’d be happy to give you a look…you’re appointments tomorrow…2 pm.

Adnan: you..you’re kidding me right?…he agreed to see me so soon just cuz you asked him to?!?

Sami: like I said…I know him very well…

Adnan: wow…I…thanks man… I… I really don’t know what to say…

(Sami signals with hand to make him stop, looks at the watch on the same hand, and then gets up to leave, there is no dialogue here, a similar mime to the first scene ensues, and Adnan profusely thanking his friend for getting the job he hated, for the girl he loves.)

(Lights fade out, fade back in after 10 second delay on a stage that has the sofa re oriented a little and the man tony asking Adnan to pose in weird angles for the camera. Sami is standing behind Tony egging Adnan on, who is both nervous, and rather uncomfortable around this guy who insists on touching him and manipulating his body more than any photographer he’s seen should. Tony, like any other photographer, is talking in a fast paced manner constantly directing Adnan’s movements and snapping away from all angles, the only person not enjoying the current situation is Adnan himself. Tony’s accent needs to sound a lot like Begum Nawazish Ali’s in order for the jaan’s and the other flowery words to have the perfect effect.)

Tony: OH! Yes Jaan, give it to me. Oh yes, brilliant pose there hold it… hold it…oh sugar dumpling you’re doing so marvelously for a first timer… yes, now tilt your head a little to the left…now the hips to the right…no no not that way jaani (goes up and adjusts an uncomfortable Adnan’s hips) there, much better…it’s okay sweetcake you’re doing fine… yes, more of that…okay now let’s see some more action… there we goo…okay just a few more, few more…there! That’s a wrap for the day.(looks at sami)ooohh I can’t wait to have a look at these…(pats him lightly on the shoulder) where do you find such lovely guys!? (runs off stage to get the pictures developed)

Sami (to a flustered Adnan): so…what did you think?

Adnan: does he have to touch so much!?

Sami: it’s your first time man…he had to, eventually when you get the hang of things you’ll do half of em yourself…anyways man, I have to go…had a lunch meeting with this other designer today…why don’t you stick around here and wait for some feedback? I’ll catch you later?

Adnan: um..yea sure…I’ll catch you later…

(sami walks out as tony walks in)

Tony: oh god jaanu the pictures are looking absolutely fabulous tumhare chehray ke cuts itne achay aye hain main kya bataoon…you know you look a lot like nomi qamar you know him? He’s such a sweetheart…anyways…enough about him… listen, sugar I’ll need a day to show your pictures around to all my friends and then I’ll get back to you as soon as I have something okay? So in the meantime you can go home, relax, take a break and wait for my call…(during this entire time tony makes it a point to get as physical as he can with Adnan, which the latter politely accepts thinking it’s just something he’s going to have to get used to. Little does he know his naivety is going to be his downfall. An uncomfortable Adnan begins to make an exit as the doorbell rings, at the door, Adnan exits as Kami enters. Adnan steps aside for Kami to enter, and as he steps out Kami turns around and gives an appreciable look towards Adnan’s rear, then turns his head towards tony, with the same expression on his face. Tony looks at it, smiles, and says)

Tony: you haven’t seen anything yet. This one’s amazing, much better than the rest we’ve had…I’m actually surprised you came so early…was about to call you and tell you about him…

Kami(cuts him short): better than the rest eh?…he certainly looked – how shall I say it – well endowed…(they share a nod and a light chuckle)…think there’s any chance I can have a…private meeting set with him…

Tony(chirps in): Of course there is darling…how could anybody resist a meeting with the great Kami himself…he’d go in shock when he hears a designer like you’s interested in him!… in fact I’ll call him up and let him know right away!

Kami: make it a private meeting…tomorrow night…ask him to have dinner with me…I’d be honored.

Tony: my my! Private meeting already? He really did impress you didn’t he jaan?

Kami: oh you have no idea…let’s go see those pictures I came for then shall we (both proceed towards exit)…and when we come to this gentleman’s pictures…slow down a bit will you? (Exit)

(lights fade out.)

End Scene

Scene 3

(scene opens with a doorbell ringing and adnan walking in to Kami’s house, they make their introductions and references and have a little small talk before Kami invites Adnan to sit in the living room. Adnan is still a bit uncomfortable, largely so because he hasn’t gotten used to the friendliness between guys. However, he still takes it in stride, very politely, which Kami seems to find a bit attractive)

Kami: so, Addy…if I can call you that? (Adnan politely says yes)…great! Addy! Tony tells me you’re quite the natural for this modeling thing of ours

Adnan: well, I never actually thought I would be, but guess it was my lucky day when Sami came by…

Kami: ah yes…Sami…brilliant guy he is…such an angel…I really like him…we’ve worked together often…very closely too many times I must say…

Adnan: that’s umm…interesting to know…

Kami: but that’s not the reason I called you here today. Addy m’boy, I called you here today to make you an offer you cannot refuse…you see for the past year I’ve been working on launching my new collection, and I’ve been on the lookout for fresh faces. Faces like yours. And thanks to people like Tony I found them! So, I’ll make this very short and direct. The first in a series of 5 catwalk shows is a month from now, and I’ve got a special spot reserved for you on the team we’ve got. We’re talking big names, and even bigger locations, and salaries you can by the crown jewels with! What do you say kiddo?…if you want to make a break in the business, you’re not going to get anything as good as this…

Adnan: I…wow…I never thought I’d be able to get so far so fast…thank you so much…I…I gladly accept! (reaches up to shake Kami’s hand)

Kami: knew you would! But beta, before you make the pact official…there is a little something that I would want you to do…as an only condition to making our…relationship stronger…because you do understand jaan…that as time progresses…we’ll be working in closer and closer proximities and I feel it best we get to know each other now to avoid any…misunderstandings later. Are you willing?

Adnan: oh you just name it mr. maya! after the offer you’ve just made to me I really don’t think there’s anything I can’t do for you…name it!

Kami (with a straight face, equally direct): you have to spend the night here. With me.

Adnan(immediate change to shock): What?! What do you take me as huh?!…i’m not going to give into this nonsense…is this your idea of a sick joke?!

Kami: anything but…you didn’t think it was going to be all rainbows and butterflies did you?… welcome to the real world boy…this is how you get things done…people too…

Adnan: you HaVE to be joking…this is just absurd…I’m not…I’m not one of you!!!

Kami: one of us?!…nobody chooses to be one of ‘us’ you fool…you see…at the end of the day, for people like you, it becomes a do or die situation…and most people choose to do…or at least we like to make them think they had a choice…

Adnan: I won’t HAVE ANY OF THIS!!! YOU SICK BASTARD!!! I DON’T WANT YOUR JOB…OR WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!

Kami: the door’s right behind you…I never stopped you from leaving…you just need to realize that walking out that door means walking out on…perhaps the best chance at fame you get.

Adnan: I DON’T WANT FAME that comes at THIS expense…Good NIGHT mr. Maya (Storms out)

Kami(to himself and audience): Oh he’ll be back…they always come back…

(Lights fade out)

End Scene

Scene 4

(in the internal conflict scene, Adnan needs to be plagued by multiple thoughts at the same time…this is a scene with intense psychobabble, and needs to be delivered with a neurotic and frustrated style very hard to describe on paper. An example would be something like the way the lead singer of My Chemical Romance acts in videos…very jerky, with eyes wide open like he’s on some sort of drugs…also draw inspiration from Gollum in LOTR…the kinds of conflicts that he has with his own reflection at times are something that one can gauge from)

(Stage needs to be only dimly lit…enough to make out Adnan’s figure and face out in the darkness…if a spotlight is available, then it should be focused on him directly…)

Adnan: NO!! NAHIN….i’m not going to do it…I’m not going to do it…what the hell does he think of me?… I am a man of dignity…honor…how could he even think I’m…I’m…but the show…series of 5…big salaries…no it’s not worth it…I’m not going to spend the night with him…I am straight…just like men should be…but the salary…I can buy that tennis bracelet for her…that skank…I’m not spending anything on her…she left me…but still…the show…is not worth it I’m telling you Adnan…I’m not going to do it…then who will?!…the bank doesn’t cover it…and if…if I want to get married to Natasha then I’ll have to…noo…I…I don’t want to do it…I don’t want to do it…I…I don’t…

(lights fade out, and fade back in with Adnan in front of Kami)

Kami(very calm, and has managed to retain that attitude the entire time earlier when Adnan was screaming at his assumption, because for him it doesn’t seem to be as big a deal as it is for Adnan, who’s not only going really far really fast, but is also seeing too many things too fst.): I knew you’d be back…anything I can do for you?

Adnan(head hung low): I guess the question is, is there anything I can do for You…sir.

Kami(with a wry laugh): come closer boy…so I can…see you better…the pictures only did so much…I like to get closer with my colleagues…(Adnan obliges, and comes closer, kneeling towards Kami)

(Lights fade out, fade back in after a 10 second hiatus with Tony, Kami, and Addy, sitting together enjoying a drink and lots of hearty laughter. A large span of time has passed. One can assume this reunion is taking place after the series of fashion shows.)

Tony: honey you really have to tell me more about your experience…I’m sure tumhain bohat mazaa aya hoga kami ke saath…

Adnan: definitely (shoots a suggestive glance towards kami)…with him on board there’s not a moment that is dull…(they laugh some more, doorbell rings, Tony goes and answers it, Natasha walks in)

Natasha: Adnan, is that you?…oh my god look at you…you’ve really changed…

Adnan: Natty!! My darling, how’ve you been?! (goes upto her and air kisses her cheeks) it’s been so long since I’ve seen you…how do I look?

Natasha: something out of the 70s…and believe me I don’t mean that as a compliment…

Adnan: but jaan, don’t you see, I did all of this for you…for us…

Natasha: you mean you became a pansy for me? The hell is wrong with you?!…all this time we’ve been apart and you still need me to come here and give you my wedding card to tell you we’re through? And what have you done to yourself?!?…Adnan you’ve really changed

Adnan: baby my name’s Addy now, you’ve probably seen it all over the papers by now…can’t you see I’m a star now honey…now I can buy you a dozen of those tennis bracelets and have meals at Okra 3 times a day!!! Everything you ever wanted!

Natasha: Everything I ever wanted at the expense of losing whatever little I had in you?…I don’t think so. And incase you didn’t hear properly the first time…here’s my WEDDING CARD. I’m getting MARRIED, to a guy who’s STRAIGHT. You want to buy tennis bracelets and feed anybody meals at Okra from now on mr. Addy go do so with your…buddies there (points to Kami and Tony)…because you don’t belong anywhere else that’s for sure…(she walks out…and Adnan aka Addy is left calling her name and asking her to come back again, just like he did before…he turns around finally, frustrated, and Kami and Tony look at him and call him to join them. He does so, and they resume their talking)

(lights fade out, fade back in on Adnan holding an award at a ceremony giving his acceptance speech)

I’ve come a long way ladies and gentlemen…and I’ve lost as much as I have gained – perhaps more of one than the other – but overall it’s been a great 2 years of working with some of the best and most talented designers and photographers in this country…some of them very very closely I might like to add (says this with the wry expression of kami), and I’d like to thank the jury for considering me worthy of this award. I’d like to thank my fans, my parents for supporting me, my photographer friend and mentor Tony, for always being there, and for having first introduced me to the world of fashion and it’s…eccentricities. I’d like to thank mr. Kami Maya, the devil reincarnate…no no I don’t mean that Kami! You know that too jan…but yea I would especially like to thank mr. kami maya, for having taught me first hand, the cost of becoming a model, and for teaching me the most valuable lesson of all. That a man’s dignity is worth more than any fashion show. Thank you all jan’s. you guys are amazing. Thank you, and God bless you. Muah.

(lights out)

End Scene
End Play

18.25 – 18.75

you.

you,
took your half and left.
not knowing,
that you took my whole with you.

i.
I,
stayed back,
unable to move,
but wanting to break away,
like an autumn leaf from it’s tree.

we.

We,
diverged.
like two parts of a river,
you to your unknown lands,
i to my greener pastures.
but was there a we to begin with?

18.

i feel sad.and guilty.and vulnerable. less of the third, more of the first two.

Nabeel’s leaving for the US, and i was a dick to not attend his farewell because i had tuitions (where we didn’t really study shit).

so yea, guilty.

17

i ought to study. no. i NEED to study. LCAT, LCAT SSE, A levels, everything. must study. must pore myself over the books endlessly until every one of the letters in every one of those texts is a part of my unconscious act. till it’s not blood that flows through my veins, it’s words.

i need to study. i need to study. but i can’t get myself to pay bloody attention for long enough!

i need to study i need to study i need to study i need to study i need to study…maybe if i say it enough i’ll actually go and study..speaking of which i need to study! did i not already mention that i had to study? in case i’m forgetting i actually had to study…

okay i think i’ll go study now.

damnit! it’s too fucking good to be true.

16

They fall from the sky,
with lyrical beauty
and playful poise

little capsules
of pure clarity

that land and explode
into a million fragments,
coursing down you
washing away the many layers
that have become you
till they reach the core,

and as the High particle,
touches the mortal,
a smile flickers across your face
and you relish the freedom
the profundity of the moment,
and just live.

little drops of heaven,
wash away my layers today.

15

I.

Today I will pass your village,

but will not stop to

gaze through the windows of

houses abandoned.

today i will pass your village,

but the acacia will no longer

serenade me with its

lure of shade

against the heat and against the world

no longer will the narrow lanes

captivate my inner child

to play hide and seek with

the ghosts of your past

today i will pass your village,

without payng heed to

the clamour of lost voices

today i will pass your village

but will not stop,

no. nevermore.

II.

there is a world within us

a vast space that exists just

as we do.

a place we know not of

until something from the outside,

reaches and lights up the void,

shows us the color and the infinite expanses we hold

within us

go and search, o naive one

the light of your life exists somewhere

just as you do

waiting.

14

still a little new with posting pictures i am. :)